After a week of wound-licking I am feeling much better.  It could have something to do with the fact that the sun is also streaming into my windows, there is certainly nothing like sunlight to perk up a mood.  I learned that after living in Seattle for two years!

I originally started this post a day ago and it began something like:

"Everything in my life sucks right now..."  Wow.  Amazing.  To cut myself some slack, I have had a pretty rough summer/fall in terms of personal, family, and work life.  I am still feeling uncertain about many things but my head is clearer now and I can see the proverbial path in the woods; I've been on it all along actually.

Now other than a painful lack of finances (no contracts anywhere in sight) I am alright.  I will just keep moving forward, because right now it's a little too much to try to figure out when and where to change direction.  But you know, as long as it's not backward, I'm pretty sure I'll be ok.

FUUUUUUCK.

Back in touch

Never do these but found this in my Internet travels. Perfect to get me back into the swing of things, I'll call it Me In a Word:

Yourself: smoldering

Your partner: nonexistent 

Your hair: corkscrew-y 

Your mother: strongwilled 

Your father: wounded

Your favorite item: stone

Your dream last night: unmemorable

Your favorite drink: tangy 

Your dream home: old-fashioned 

The room you are in: cozy

Your fear: childlessness 

Where you want to be in 10 years?: Paris 

Who you hung out with last night: myself 

What you're not: weak 

Your best friend: quirky

One of your wish list items: stereo 

Your gender: female 

The last thing you did: examined

What you are wearing: slacks

Your favorite weather: rainy 

Your favorite book?: Song of Solomon 

Last thing you ate?: hummus 

Your life: full

Your mood: agitated 

The last person you talked to on the phone: Catherine

Who are you thinking about right now?: me

I find myself back in a position where I don't want to be. But truthfully I'm not sure if that's where I am. Makes no sense, I know.

I've changed lots in the past few years, I broke out of these patterns that saw me receiving the very minimum from those around me and strangely wanting more and more rather than stopping surveying the various situations and moving on or forcing change in them. Change of myself, that is, I always stayed put and always got nothing. My needs were never met, I was never satisfied, I was never...

Now I fear that I could get myself back into the same situation if I'm not careful. So tonight I am stuck. I hate feeling stuck. I'm here because of my own mistakes, granted, but that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I'll go to bed with a book, rest, cry, rest, then awaken refreshed (with any luck) and ready to move on.