I had dreams Saturday and Sunday about... I hate that. I don't want to say that out loud, which is why I'm writing it. I felt like I had to let it out of me. Is that weird, like it's a secret or something...

Stupid.

I don't feel like the door is closed but I'm not sure it's open either. Does that make sense?

It feels like the experience is hanging out there open-ended in the universe, where perhaps it will float into infinity or not. I hate that. I liked it before, just before everything. My mind was free, clear, unfettered by thoughts of...for the first time, maybe ever. I want that back, goddammit.

I've gotten to a point in my life where I really like the feel of certainty. Clean breaks. Cut and dry-ness, if you know what I mean.

But I keep seeing snow falling from my window sitting with...watching and waiting.

I don't like that.

Clean breaks.

Endings...happy or sad...just done.

Friends! Art. Life. Love?

So far this weekend three people who I adore have called me. It was all totally unexpected and wonderful since I had no plans and it's the first weekend in about a month that I've been home alone or home at all. So, I feel good today after a tough couple of weeks. I love the friends I have and the relationships I've managed to cultivate with them. I don't feel so alone anymore because of them. More importantly they are all sounding well. That makes me happier than anything.

I finally brought the second of three pictures that I had framed home and it looks okay. The third is still being finished and will probably be there for awhile because it's a bit pricey. But I look forward to it coming home when it does. I now have a couple of more pieces I want framed. We'll see. It's kind of expensive but worth it. Now my house is filled with art but honestly, I don't have enough wall space now. But when I head back to Paris I plan to find a place with plenty of wall space for my treasures.

Life is still moving along rather sluggishly but with promise, at least I think. It's both exhilarating and horrifying to think that the direction my life will take is all up to me. I have wish I had a genie in a bottle to shape a few events or that there was a scroll somewhere that I'll discover that will tell me what's next. But really I suppose I like the mystery of it all. The only thing I'd really like to be set on is the whole family and kids thing. I want them both desperately, but is any of that in store for me? I think I want to marry Pete Rock, I'm cute and smart and talented. He'd like me. Can anyone hook me up out there?

As for love. What to say. I'll talk about that some other time.

It is definite. That thing has completely slipped through my fingers. Perhaps it was never destined to be...

That's okay. It feels okay. I made a big mistake this time around and I won't again. I won't again.

On the other hand, I had a fantastic weekend. I spent it with old friends, with whom, if I am lucky, I will keep in touch. At least with a few of them. I'd love to keep a few of them in my back pocket, so to speak.

Additionally, I just had a really big steak. It was delicious.

So, time to move on.

Yeah. Time to move on.

In the past two weeks I just had something that I think I wanted slip through my fingers. Mostly because of me. I wasn't ready for it, I think. I say I think because I am uncertain about a few things. In any case, here I am where I started and for the first time ever, I am okay with that. It's damn hard, but I am not devastated. I do not feel like I have to reconstruct myself or my life in a different way and start over completely.

That is a very good thing.

I wish I had gotten what I wanted. I'm a little annoyed that I have to keep pushing now, because I thought it could have been pretty good in the grand scheme of things. It was challenging. For the first time, a challenge that kept me interested, engaged, on my toes. It was fun and definitely a learning experience.

So I am happy I had the experience but ready to try out the next thing that has come up for me. It should be good. We'll see where it goes.

It rained all day today. Autumn is here. I really love this weather. This is the time of year that most people find very difficult. You know: the days are shorter, the temperatures are cooler, and the holidays are right there. But I love this time of year, perhaps because it's my birthday season.

I am looking forward to the holidays and may even go to my parents' home this year, breaking the solemn vow I made about seven years ago never to spend another holiday with them at their home. We shall see. I am looking forward to preparing something grand for one or both of our holiday meals since Christmas was such a success last year.

With that, my novenas are burning and I've implored the intercession of Santa Clara and the Seven African Powers. The least I could do is hold up my end of the deal by doing some work.

A la prochaine...

So much has changed in my life since last Wednesday. I think it has changed anyway.

I am left here wondering how life moves the way it does and how we get pushed along the way we do. How we forget, remember, or fail to realize who we are, where we are, what we are, or even what we need to do sometimes.

One thing is certain about life. You never know what will happen. I certainly didn't.

The past week has been a nightmare. Personally and professionally, I have been smacked around like a ball in a pinball machine. Lots of what has happened is my fault and I know that I have to get it together. I am on that path now and I have made a promise to myself to stay on it.

Can't say much else at this point.

I have to make some time though for baking. I have a Daring Bakers assignment and really baking just helps keep me balanced. We'll see what I can whip up.

I am wicked tired of being poor. Excuse that slip back into the nostalgia of my childhood in New England.

Seriously though, I am.

I need to get cracking. I'm trying, there is no doubt. Just not hard enough. Now I am having trouble with focus because in my free time, my thoughts often drift and I spend time reflecting on my new *ahem* situation and how I managed it all. Everything is good and I'm actually really fulfilled emotionally for the first time, perhaps ever, so I guess using that as an excuse is no longer an option.

What else can I say right now. Nothing, I guess, so, signing off...

PR saves my Soul...

I ran across this on youtube after doing a search for Pete Rock:



I had never purchased any of his solo material because, well, I don't know why. But PR is the most amazing hip hop producer. I would say that he could easily produce across genres if he so desired. He is a true artist.

No other producer comes close, there was Dilla (R.I.P.), 9th Wonder, and of course, Premo, but Pete still reigns supreme.

His work is complex and subtle. I have been inspired to develop some sort of tarte in his honor. Don't know what I will call it, but I'm envisioning chocolate, textures, a hint of salt, caramel, maybe hazelnut...to the kitchen. With PR playing in the background, of course.

Waiting

I'm waiting for my date to arrive.  Sounds weird after so long.

But really, I got ready for this, nothing special, but I realize just how much work this shit takes.

Showering, I mean really showering, not one of those in and out kind of things.  You just can't be crusty when you're dating.  And it's not even like I ever really am crusty, but you have to take extra care.

You can't have crazy toenails or rough feet.  You have to clean behind your ears, floss, handle all of those cracks and crevices, all of that. Again, not that I don't normally, but it matters when you're interacting with others and not just someone you want to, well, you know...

Anyway, it's crazy.  I forgot after all of these years being unfulfilled/with one person that it's exciting and takes work.

More importantly, I am learning that there are normal people out there.  That is to say, sociopaths are not the norm.  

But now, I have to run, because I forgot to floss...

Let the stroll-walking commence...

Oooh And I Like It...

I met a man.

I met him awhile ago very briefly, in passing, actually, at the a place where I worked. We ran into each other recently... He is Nigerian and has the deepest voice I think I've ever heard, and I love that. Anyway, although I generally try to avoid Nigerians, (I'll just say CRAY-ZAY and leave it at that), he is quite interesting. I suppose his being hot and chocolate-y has something to do with it too.

Anyway, when he talks I get tingly, literally. I'm going to have to look that up, I mean, attraction, deep voices...there is definitely no shortage of testosterone in his world.

This could be trouble, the voice alone could have me walking that stroll if I'm not careful.

That thing revisited...

False alarm...there's nothing to see here, folks.

That thing revisited...

Oh no.

I keep seeing bees....

I hope they are honey bees.

R.I.P. Bernie Mac

I'm late on this.

Well, I guess you can never be too late on paying tribute to someone...

Today a public memorial is being held for Bernie Mac and I can't go because I have to work. I still am having a hard time with his death and I am so disconnected from celebrities. But truly, I feel as though a member of my own family has died. I just think he was an immensely underrated talent who never relied on waxing nostalgic superficially or buffoonery to make his audiences laugh. God, I will miss him and as many others have undoubtedly done this week, I plan to have some milk and cookies in his honor today.

the arthritic toe

i have been sidelined the past two days thanks to an arthritic toe. it hit me out of no where. and while i don't exercise nearly enough (read: at all) i have an almost uncontrollable urge to jog. of course, right now I am sitting soaking my foot in a pot (don't have a basin) of hot water heavily spiked with apple cider vinegar. pathetic.

i am feeling my age today. mostly because i think this toe may have a touch of "the gout," as the old folks would say. i think this is mostly due to a surgery i had years ago and an injury to the ankle of the same foot two years ago. anyway, here i am with a swollen foot soaking in a pot of smelly hot water thinking "oh my god, i think i have gout." sigh. i am limited today, my mobility is limited and the possibility of having what may be the beginnings of an incurable (sometimes degenerative) disease are both very sobering concepts with which to grapple.

i'm choosing now to embrace this poor toe...rather than allowing it to depress me i have decided to use it as a catalyst to be healthier. that really means exercising and less sugar for me.

...i have been witness to the declining health of those that i love for too long now, and while i am not disgustingly unhealthy or even remotely abusive to my body. i don't want to follow down that path. i need to treat it better.

i know i am not old, but today i feel limited and with the death in recent days of the incomparable bernie mac followed by isaac hayes, i am keenly aware of my mortality and the fragility of life and good health.

it's time now, toe.

What is happening?

I'm so upset right now; I am emotional but...

I can't cry, I only sigh...and SIGH. The tears just won't come. WHERE ARE MY TEARS?!?

I am hungry but...

I can't cook and I can't eat; there is a taste in my mouth and I can't identify it.

I am so stuck right now but...

I can't unstick. What will it take? I just don't know.

I'm so alone right now but...

I'm not. But I am.

I have so much to say but...

I don't know how.

I have so much to do but...

I don't know where to start.



Maybe I will take a nap.

Jesus be a basic English writing class...

This is why I no longer teach:

"Shopping days at the supermarket are a drag when the sun is shinning (sic) and the cool, cool pavement is there for the taking."

I don't know either.

This gem is courtesy of a student in the food writing class I teach, a mere five class meetings have confirmed unequivocally that teaching makes my ass tired (another of my Grandmother's sayings, God I miss that woman!).* 

Anyway, Jesus might also consider being a thesaurus, a dictionary, and a grammar reference book for good measure.

Thank goodness tonight is the last night. At least it will look impressive on my CV.

*By the way the stress is on the word ass, which gives it this delicious new sense that connotes a condition or affliction one is experiencing called "tired ass" at least that's how I always imagined it as a kid when my Grandmother would say it.

Ennui

You know, I hate counting on other people for stuff.  Really.  This is both a strength and a weakness of mine.  I sometimes find myself isolated and even struggling because I don't reach out.  Actually I often forget entirely to reach out and it's largely because I have encountered so few people in this life who I can count on, friends and family alike.  

I've met a few who are down for whatever (within reason, of course) and I cherish them, but it's taken a long time.  Still, even with them, I have trouble laying down my burdens, my armor, etc. and letting them help.  I know that it also has to do with control but that's another story.  In any case I am at a point where I am not only waiting for others but I am also squandering my own time and energy.  I'm in that cycle again.  I'm a little stuck.