Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Lake

First and foremost, hello to all of the Daring Bakers who are stopping by. I'm sorry I there are no posts of the July challenge, I just didn't get my arse in gear in order to make it happen. But this month, I just can't wait, it's going to be fabulous, so come back, come back!!

Now, here I am, I have been struggling the past couple of weeks. Not with the calmness of life right now, but rather with the storm of thoughts whipping through my head about the future. Today, another horoscope:

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You have been thinking about your future long enough. You may be sick and tired of going around on the same mental loops as you attempt to create something different from the life you currently have. Instead of fighting against the resistance you feel, try letting go of the attachment that you have to any long-term goals. You may be pleasantly surprised at what happens when your mind is freed from previous expectations.

I hate it when these things are dead on. I'm not even a horoscope junkie. Anyway, the gist of my malaise (in spite of the calm) these days, is that all that I'm envisioning is within reach but there's so much from here to the final destination, that I feel overwhelmed and slightly disheartened.  I have my own allegory for life change (or any kind of change), which is the lake. I thik I may have dreamed this initially and it has stuck with me over the years. It comes into my head at times like those I am experiencing now and shit, I kind of hate it. Here it is:  

I am first standing on the shore of a lake in a forest, looking at the other side, knowing that where I want and need to be.  The surroundings are absolutely beautiful and pristine, but there is no boat, no canoe, no other way to the other side accept swimming across.  The other part of this is, I really don't like swimming in natural bodies of water, I have a mild phobia.  Anything where I can't see to the bottom, you won't find me.  Additionally, I am not to fond of standing on the bottom of these bodies of water because anything could be buried/living in the dirt or sand (this stems from a childhood incident that has morphed into a fear that straddles the mild and the irrational), but I also would not want to stand on the bottom of a natural body of water that I couldn't see in. So the point is that I begin to realize that my only option is to dive in and begin swimming. As I continue swimming until I realize the other side is much further than I thought from the shore, but I keep swimming. Soon I stop and I am treading water in the middle of the lake, I look around to find that I am alone there--no one on either shore and no one in the water. I continue to tread and survey the situation. I begin thinking about what I will do, because my destination is still damn far away from me at this point and the water is cold and murky and I'm getting a little afraid because I don't like water like this. I look back where I came from. 'Should I just head back?' is what I think to myself. I contemplate for a while, I seriously consider turning back and finally I decide to move forward. I tell myself that I've come too far to turn back, I will have expended all of that effort and energy for nothing and that would be the failure. Especially when the reason I'm considering heading back is simply that the rest of the journey will be long and difficult. So I take a breath, and begin swimming again, even as fear of the murky water begins to creep into my consciousness.

The moral: the difficulty or complexity of a task is generally not reason enough to quit. And I live my life like that because unfortunately that's how I was raised and I have lots of pride when it comes to this whole thing.  Fuck.

Why do I hate it? Because being trifling is generally so much easier. My life would be less complicated if I was trifling and sorry.

But, I'm not. DAMN IT! (*said with a measure of regret*)

Maybe I should go and pick up some water socks in case I happen to briefly hit bottom while I'm out in the middle of that lake swimming to shore.

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