Friday, September 02, 2005

2 Septembre

Now here I am, back where I started when I arrived in April. Same internet cafe, same computer. So much more has happened but strangely, I feel as though I am the same as before. I know that's not true. Today I thought, for the first time in life, that I wish I could go back and change some things. If I could, I'd go back to May and I'd make it so I'd never have to experience the yuckiest parts of the summer, but, even those were good for me, or at least I can see that they will be in the long run. Except Gregory, I'm not sure I can ever accept the loss of Gregory. I'll never see the sense in that.

Hmmmm.

I am thinking of the people on the Gulf Coast and how the dark skin of so many of them has sealed their collective fate. I am thinking of how I was struck suddenly after seeing the front page photo of today's New York Times, by the realization of how undervalued Black people are in this country, it's something I've always known. It's something every Black person in this country grows up knowing; it's just a part of life here for us. I have cried today. And I am feeling again today, that I just have to pick myself up, write more, read more, go out into it, and take the next step.

7 comments:

Sharon said...

My thoughts are with you, Rachel.

mmmm...that's delicious said...

thanks sharon, i realize now how sad and sorrowful my post sounds. a part of me feels that way and a part of me doesn't. life is just such a struggle sometimes...

i feel overwhelmed by everything that has happened and to see even worse things happen to so many people...it's almost too much. even you with your illness and your baby, maybe you can understand what i am saying. i wish i could go away somewhere to recharge, but that's not possible. i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i am just, overwhelmed, you know?

thanks again.

Mimi's Pa said...

N'awlins was the hometown I've missed throughout my ten years plus as an ex-pat in the Arabian Gulf. You are right on the money. After the Civil War, the field workers fled to the city. The lighter skinned folks of African heritage have always had the privileges of us white guys and gals. They didn't depend on public transpo and like my friends, used their cars to get the hell of town. Those left behind? The dishwashers, the maids, the short order cooks, parking lot attendants, bellhops, hotel chamber maids, fast food order takers. Sucks, huh?

mmmm...that's delicious said...

sucks, doesn't begin to describe it, oliver.

by the way, it's good to see you back at my house again!! :)

Eunice said...

I'm going to have to stir the pot and say that I disagree that black people are so put upon by others, and that being born black means you're sentenced to a life of poverty and crime. I don't intend to sound naive by any means. I know there's a race relation problem, but I feel that it often gets perpetuated by the very people that complain about it.

I have never once in my life felt underprivileged or that my struggles were a part of life because I am black. My parents were dirt poor, we had hard times, it had nothing to do with being black or white or anything but a young couple trying to raise three kids on one income.

Maybe I feel that way because my parents raised me never to feel sorry for myself for being who I am, never to let myself fall victim to the belief that I'm not as good as the next person because of the color of my skin and never to let anyone hold me back because I'm a "minority."

As a "lighter skinned folk of African heritage," I have not "always" had the privileges of white kids. I had to ride the bus to school because my parents wouldn't give me a car. For a time, it was because they couldn't afford it, but the bigger reason was because they wanted me to learn the value of working for something I wanted. I moved out and still had no car, so I rode my bike to work, an office job that I busted my ass to get. I rode it in the rain, in the snow, and I "showered" in the office bathroom and changed into my work clothes each morning. People wanted to feel sorry for me and I wouldn't let them because I knew that was my choice.

I understand that people are not always as fortunate and that some people are in circumstances that leave them unable to pull themselves out of the well, but I know that is not the case for most.

mmmm...that's delicious said...

eunice,

i agree 100% that b/c you are black you are, by default, sentenced to a life of crime, etc...because i recognize that life is about choices. i also recognize that those choices are limited, not in scope, but in ability to acheive a desired end once a choice is made.

if my post made you think that i feel sorry for myself or the plight of black people in this country, hell, in this world, then that was completely not the intent. i am merely saying that dark skin does relegate people, in the hearts and minds of very very many people to the lowest rung. whether you choose to accept how others view you, internalize it, and act accordingly is an entirely personal choice and another matter. it is up to an individual to see past the 'road blocks' and keep moving to make things better...

i guess what i am saying here, in reference to the how things are being handled in the gulf states is that i feel in my heart, that the lack of action, the apparent total disregard of what was happening had nothing to do with a lack of preparedness, etc. it had to do with how the president, the powers that be, most of society views and values black people. this, i believe in my heart. i do think that black people are undervalued, unwanted etc. when you get right down to it. i don't care what others think about me, if they feel that way fine, because i know how to make it happen...i always say, you can be racist all day, just show me some respect, give me my props...

i think however, what people carry in their hearts and their souls, their beliefs, comes out in times of crisis. i don't people are not this cruel, callous, or indifferent without intentionally meaning to be that way, especially a group of people who have been charged with protecting the well-being of the masses. if the leaders of this country want something done, it gets done. if they think it's important they handle it, with the quickness, whatever obstacles or surprises come up. it's that simple. that said, for me their behavior and lack of action speaks volumes...

i so appreciate your comment, by the way.

Eunice said...

I don't think that you came off sounding like you feel sorry for anyone, so no worries.

I totally agree that people's true hearts are shown in times of crisis, and this is just one of many times in the history of this country that we've shown our hands, rather than bluffing through it.

I am very disappointed in the way that things are being handled in the gulf, but I don't feel that it has to do with any other reason than that our leader is a complete and utter moron.

Thanks for your post though, it's a discussion that so many people are afraid to have.