Saturday, August 06, 2005

Grief and Confusion

I've had a difficult last few days. I have been thinking alot about Gregory. He moves in and out of my head...When I am quiet and still I imagine him lying on his front porch saying: "Dude, shot me dead."

This hasn't taken over my life or anything, I just feel a great sense of loss. I have always been one of those people who thought that when someone dies, no matter how tragically or violently, it is simply their time. I have stood by that over the years. But now, I am tempted to say 'NO, IT JUST WASN'T HIS TIME." But it was, or he'd still be here, right? I don't know if this belief is my attempt to make sense of something that makes no sense.

Some things just don't. I should know that by now.


7 comments:

Eunice said...

It's hard to accept that it was his time when he was so young and full of so much potential. That's something that I've never been able to do. When someone seemingly has nothing going for them, it's easier to feel like their purpose is finished. That sounds mean, I know, but still, I think it to be true...

mmmm...that's delicious said...

e,
you're so right. it doesn't seem fair or right to think that way, but i think we all do. i had another child, who wasn't my student, get killed and another, who was sentenced to 80 years in jail once for murder...those two, who were jerks and had little going for them made me sad, but i didn't grieve for them in the way i do now for Gregory. it's sad that we make those distinctions but i guess that's what makes us human and able to move on...

and i do, have to keep moving, that is...

Jôka P. said...

Um beijo de Copacabana !
A kiss from Copacabana !
Sol dourado e mar azul.
Golden sun and blue sea.
Seu amigo carioca.
Your carioca Friend.
JÔKA P.
:o)

egan said...

Wow, the "it was just his time" belief is a hard one to swallow. I am happy to see you are questioning that.

mmmm...that's delicious said...

obrigada, jôka...

i don't have my dictionary with me now, i can't say more in portuguese... :)

how is life in rio these days?

mmmm...that's delicious said...

egan,

i actually do believe that, as i said. i don't believe there's a big book somewhere with everyone's 'time' written in it, but i also don't believe in the 'random theory' of life, no matter how grotesque the circumstances of a particular situation...

clearly you will disagree, but...

thank you for your comments, they have been much appreciated the past few days.

egan said...

You're welcome Rachel.